A Dispatch from Deep in the Dating Trenches
Probably the most Sex and the City ass post I've ever written...
I wrote this last year, but a TikTok on my FYP reminded me of it and the commiseration in the comments made me chuckle so, full disclosure I’ve come back to finish what I started.
It’s hard to say “I feel lonely. I am lonely” because it’s embarrassing. It’s also not so much that I feel lonely, but that I feel frustrated. Not in an aggressive way, but in a passive one, in a way that says, “aww man, that sucks” (to myself). All of the articles about the loneliness epidemic don’t help either, especially when you’re out in the real world and practically everyone you know is in a couple.
“Don’t date men” my friends will say with an annoyed look on their faces, usually right after their boyfriends do or say something obnoxious “it’s not worth it.” I think this specifically is what frustrates me. It’s like standing outside of an amusement park and your friends are yelling “don’t come in here it’s so not worth it” while holding a hot pretzel and queuing for their favorite roller-coaster. I’m sure some of the rides aren’t all they cracked up to be and maybe you overpaid for a souvenir or two, but you’re having a great time in there, you can’t deny it.
“Break up with them, then” is what I always want to rebut with, but its futile. They don’t want to break up with their partners; they themselves don’t want to be alone, let alone lonely. “Having a boyfriend isn’t everything” is a common one from my friends who can’t go two days without physically being with their partner in person and can’t go two hours without texting or calling them to check in. I’m always hesitant to point it out because it’s easy to come off as jealous (which I’m probably doing right now) even though it’s definitely not that. I see my friends’ relationships and I definitely don’t want to be in them (no offense to their partners, they’re wonderful, just not for me) but I would like to try one of my own, preferably with someone that I like and that wants to try that with me.
If I did have a problem (which I don’t, you probably don’t believe me, but I have to say it) it would be that I knew most of my friends before they were in relationships, they’re not drastically different people, but a substantial portion of their lives revolve around someone else’s now. They might not clock it, but I do. I feel happy for them, that they found their person, their routine, their happiness! Which is why it’s exasperating when they act as if that’s not the case for my sake.
My personal favorite phrases from people in couples may have to be “stop trying” or “stop looking” or “let it come naturally.” These are the people who believe that just because they had a meet-cute with a person who didn’t happen to be a complete psychopath it means that everyone just doesn’t know when love is going to find them. That’s true enough, but when you’re in your mid-20’s and you’ve never had even a whiff of a relationship, it’s not necessarily comforting. When you yourself want to start a life and a family at some point the last thing you want to hear from the people closest to you is “just give up.”
I have absolutely no need to be in a relationship right at this moment, but I also don’t want to get married at 40 and face the biological and financial challenges of getting pregnant so late. Last year, I saw middle aged women on TikTok telling their stories about not finding a partner and coming to terms with it. As much as people want to be optimistic, it does happen. Not everyone finds “their person.”
Kimberly Nicole Foster is a feminist video essayist that I’ve followed for a few years now. I really admire her work on YouTube and subscribed to her Patreon. On there, she discusses her dating life and how she did try. She used dating apps, and found meaningful, fulfilling, long-term relationships, including the one she’s currently in.
She spent her 20’s establishing her education and career, speaking at ivy league universities, building a successful brand and when she decided she was ready for a relationship, she put in the work to make it happen. The whole story is kind of inspiring to me, and I don’t think she got there by not putting in the effort; she did the exact opposite.
I don’t need to be gaslit into thinking that relationships are a hell not worthy of investment. But when I complain about being single in front of my coupled friends, it makes them so transparently uncomfortable that they start making up all this shit about how relationships aren’t worth the trouble and how much I should value being on my own. If it’s so great, why aren’t they doing it? Get out of the dating pool and come on in to the single and alone for the foreseeable future jacuzzi everyone, the water’s fine, I promise!
I don’t see myself as a victim at all, but I do look at the data and say, “aww man that sucks” (to myself).
I’m not sure exactly what it is for me, but according to research, it’s a number of factors. An amalgamation of my race, my immigrant status, the fact that people my age don’t date and have sex as much as older generations did when they were my age, my education level (the more educated a woman is the less likely it is she will be partnered), etc. etc. Those things are all scary sure enough, but nothing is scarier, as so many women can attest to, than dating on the apps.
It is quite literally like parsing through garbage. I’m not saying men are trash, I mean a lot of them are but I’m not making that point here; I’m saying that their profiles are stinky, rancid garbage. When I first got on Hinge, I thought “If I’m sincere and show my good side, there’s bound to be someone who will do the same and who will be a match. Two years later and I am in the trenches. The trenches of garbage.
There are five types of men on Hinge (their catchphrase is that they’re “the relationship app”):
Why are you even on here????: most photos are memes or black squares. Prompts are answered with either the same word or phrase over and over again or just “.”
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lads lads lads: all photos are group photos or him doing some stupid shit while he’s drunk, not seriously looking for relationship or even to date. In a relationship with his friends, should probably just try to fuck one of them.
sleepy hollow: The Office quotes, all pictures of him either posing with a thumbs up or a mirror selfie
personality catfish: completely normal over text for one to two weeks, absolute menace in person
completely normal but there’s still something wrong with him: it could work out, you have a lot in common, everything goes great for two to four weeks, but he’ll tell you in some way or another that he’s fighting demons (he’s not over his middle school girlfriend breaking up with him)
That’s not to say that there isn’t or wasn’t anything wrong with me, but I can confidently say that any man I’ve entertained that didn’t work out was ultimately their fault. Sure, I contributed but if any of them were to call me up and ask what happened High Fidelity or Some Girl(s) style the only answer I could give is “that was definitely mostly you big dawg.”
My biggest problem may be the fact that I can’t be radically honest in dating. I can’t say “look, I’ve been through a lot of family trauma, I live alone in a foreign country, and I have an anxious attachment style. Maybe a bit dramatic but I’m afraid of never knowing real love and dying alone. Dating has really sucked for the last two years and if you’re just going to pretend to be into me for 2-4 weeks before becoming void of any emotion and dumping me then maybe we should just skip it.”
The truth is this is the case for most people dating. It’s not fair for me to act like I deserve special treatment because I don’t. But if I have to date another person devoid of emotional intelligence, a personality, or both, I’m going to fling myself off a cliff.
I never understood the phrase “relationships are hard work” until early last year. I would always ask “what kind of work are you doing??” the word “work” always sounded like two people on a construction site doing backbreaking labor, more practically it sounded like two people in therapy screaming and crying at each other until they came to a resolve. Either way it sounded so unappealing, so not worth it. It wasn’t until I started to work on myself that I understood what the work was.
It started with a book a friend recommended called Why Men Love Bitches. Everything about the book was a red flag to me, and I was very much accurately judging the book by it’s cover, but there was a guy I really liked, that I desperately wanted to keep around, so I read it. I never finished it, because it wasn’t practical for me. Sherry Argov’s advice to be hot and cold, to be extremely tactical ironically by appearing to be overly nonchalant just wasn’t cutting it for me, a person who is a nervous wreck about anything and everything.
But then I read this article by Beth McColl and got into attachment theory, which was way more my speed. The anecdotes in Attached were written by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levin and psychologist Rachel Heller, were way more relatable and led me down a path to actually figuring out who I am and why I behave the way I do with dates, friends, and family. I became a healthier person mentally and physically. I grew a backbone and stopped letting the guys I was dating walk over me. I started speaking up for myself, being honest about the way I feel. I got a new job. I started this newsletter.
I feel way better about myself than I did two years ago, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling lonely. I deleted all of the dating apps, and I don’t know when or even if I’ll be downloading them again. But whenever I do start dating, I don’t think it’ll be because I listened to the fake cynical advertisements about relationships.
Dating and relationships is truly something I have to do on my own; it’s fun to gossip and give my friends the rundown about boy drama, but in the end, I have to find my own way into the amusement park, even if that means I have to hop the fence. I’m sure I’ll see you guys in there at some point!
Okay, back into the trenches. Here are some dating-related TikToks that made me laugh or go “hmmm.”
Casey Lewis, author of the After School Substack, asked Gen Z what they think about dating apps
Men on average gain emotional maturity at 43 years old apparently
If you see me dating someone I shouldn’t be…mind your business, I’m doing it for the plot!
Gold digging??? In this economy?????
Things to remember if you have a crush on some guy. Break in case of emergency.