Loved this piece so much!!! I never really paid much attention to it like that, but your points were so … on point, that yes, white boy of the month seems to be something a woman of colour has come up with as a badge of approval to a white boy we all can safely support! It made me think of that Timmy video of him dancing hip hop on stage and this being used as a reference that he is the white boy to be celebrated without any worry since he seems to be appreciative of other’s culture!
I liked a first-generation Pakistani lawyer. He liked me too but not enough because he told me I reminded him of his mother. 😕 ouch. After the end of our 4 day visit, he showed his true self - he was frustrated, angry and a bit mean to me. what he found frustrating and irritating in me, he found charming and quirky in his white women partners.
Of course, he only ever dated white women.
My story has something in common with your story - I just don’t know what.
Maybe the observation that white potential love interests are given the grace, flexibility to make mistakes and the freedom to be themselves (“quirky,” “individual” “different”) with no judgement. whereas I have to be perfect.
Comme d’habitude, un très grand merci pour votre écriture. ❤️💕
"Maybe the observation that white potential love interests are given the grace, flexibility to make mistakes and the freedom to be themselves (“quirky,” “individual” “different”) with no judgement. whereas I have to be perfect." Laura, yes, exactly this! Thank you so much for sharing, and to add, what would perfection even look like in that situation, most likely, it is virtually unattainable. You can be the most perfect apple in the bunch and that man will still be looking for an orange 🙄
I relate to your story definitely and really do think this is a universal experience for women of color. I think one of the broad themes here could be the projection of internalized racism (and some misogyny) onto us/our dating lives which is tiring, frustrating, and maybe the reason some of us turn to our white boys of the month. Just a bit of escapism and fantasizing on the internet!
Merci pour votre observation, c'est très appréciée 😊🧡 (sorry my French is very bad, I haven't practiced in two years! 😭)
this was so insightful! i remember when will poulter was having his resurgence a video was getting popular where he was talking abt the underrepresentation of african restaurants when it comes to michelin stars. the comments were full of woc praising and thirsting (fair enough). i agree w what you said abt the approval and validation stuff, it’s like when nick jonas got with priyanka chopra and all us brown girls felt like we won by osmosis- if nick jonas could like a brown girl then that means I also have a chance of being “picked” by my oppressor and a group that i’ve been trained to believe is “out of my league”. never mind that priyanka was literally a miss universe and incredibly attractive so why wouldnt he like her? and why is it framed like he’s the one who ‘allowed’ her to be in a relationship w him, when it’s a two way street and she picked him as well? idk somehow being a poc always feels like it’s deducted points for attractiveness, and society puts relationships w white people on such a pedestal.
i also think, now that we’re older, we feel almost guilty for having a crush on a white man and perpetuating these cycles- so we have to subtly cushion it to our friends/family by joking abt how “they’re just some white guy/gora”. bc there is that darker part when men of colour start shaming woc for dating white men, for “ruining the blood line”, for having internalised racism (which is smth to discuss but not the way they do it) ect ect but then all their following is just white girls who post thirst traps? like they want to have their cake and eat it too. particularly w south asian guys there’s this thing where they’ll have white girls as their girlfriends who they treat nice but when it comes to marriage they want an “obedient desi wife” (or sometimes euphemised to ‘wifey’ to disguise it a bit). which is kind of an off shoot of the whole madonna whore complex ig. but the “ruining the bloodline” thing gets me so mad, one it’s just a weird thing to say in general, but it’s also like they just see us as vessels to carry their “pure” children and not as acc humans- why are men in general so obsessed with their “legacy” anyway? (sorry that was a side point😭). tbf the film ‘clock’ did bring up resonant thoughts abt being childless when being part of a minority group that was formally subjected to genocide- directed and written by a Jewish woman. but that was a meaningful exploration with the different nuances, that is defo not the perspective of those men, they just use whatever argument they can to try and control you.
on the other hand, i feel like bc of the internal biases we have we tend to forget/downplay all bad experiences with white men, and give them a much lower standard than moc. like the ratio between good guys to bad guys must be pretty similar across races. maybe it’s bc the race ‘white’ feels more like a blank slate, whereas the culture (which can sometimes be reasoning for harmful stuff) for certain moc is more apparent, like indian or muslim guys. there is defo something to be said abt how misogyny manifests in different ways within different spaces and why, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t just as prevalent w white men, just for different reasons.
I do have a soft spot for moc, i used to watch this brown guys videos on tiktok and got the same feeling of hopeful validation when he spoke against homophobia and misogyny, esp misogyny against woc. it’s almost like there’s this knight in shining armour saviour who will support and protect you, which is welcome when most men have been doing the exact opposite for most of our lives. maybe it’s putting them on too much of a pedestal, after all they’re still human, but i think we obviously naturally want to feel better abt the state of the world and ppl in it, and it’s not really a bad thing to appreciate when ppl are making it better- as long as it’s balanced. we also have such low standards, so we’ll literally be cheering when a man is the bare minimum of not being racist and misogynistic, which is kind of sad.
anyway, perhaps we had another MBJ moment where a moc stole the show a bit and could defo be considered ‘“white” boy of the month’ with dev patel after the release of monkey man. every few scrolls i’d be getting edits😭 but maybe that says more abt me than the internet as a whole… also in terms of that last question, it’s not a boy but my mum is kind of gay and she used to have a crush on princess diana back in the day😭 and then my dad acc met her once when she visited his uni for one of her little tours or whatever which is crazy. but she was more of an it girl than a white boy of the month. my grandma only rlly used to watch indian and pakistani films, so no white boys for her😭- but on the radio they used to play frank sinatra a lot and they used to rlly like him. in my mum’s time they used to play a lot of westerns on the tv for some reason, so clint eastwood was big (and hot).
okay so I saw that Will Poulter interview after his guest spot in The Bear and I have to admit that I was one of those people!!! I wasn’t commenting online but I was defo thirsting irl 😂 and Nick Jonas was my ultimate childhood crush, when he married Priyanka even I was like wow okay so brown girls are not off the table…good to know!! What you’re saying about thinking he’s “out of my league” and being “picked” is sooooo relatable!!! I think it's just a case of becoming aware about the way we're socialized as WOC, both intercommunally and by the world in general
I actually just saw a tiktok today that said “reconnecting with nature after calling a white boy cute” and I cackled. Yes you’re right, generally/anecdotally I’ve found that men of color don’t know how to have conversations about interracial dating with the women in their respective communities (women in the hypergamy “movement” aren’t any better!).
There does seem to be a double standard; I’ve seen many a tan man’s following list on insta and a lot of the times it’s giving alabaster. Like you said, it’s is a more intersectional approach to the Madonna/whore complex, but in a negative way. There’s a whole other essay to be written about the way POC communities raise and socialize men to view women (I’m sure multiple people have already written it, I just have to dig around for it)
I find your point on biases and downplaying bad experiences with white men very interesting because I think I’ve done the opposite in my life 😂 Emotionally/romantically intimate relationships are multifaceted, but I think at the end of the day while a person should challenge you in healthy ways, they should also be a point of refuge. I don’t want to spend an inordinate amount of time explaining myself, making excuses for cultural misunderstandings, or rationalizing bad behavior. So I don’t! I’m open to dating anyone from any background, but I consciously set a standard that they all have to meet.
Ahhhhh your mom is such a G for that!!! I totally get where she’s coming from, and maybe it girls are white boys of the month for queer women, I absolutely love that concept! My aunt watches a lot of westerns too and suspected that she might have to go back through them to find a white boy she liked, I think white guys in westerns might be GenX and some Boomer women’s target demographic lololol Thank you so much for your research contributions, this may sound facetious but I seriously appreciate it 🧡
(p.s. I would love to know which tiktoker you’re referencing, someone very similar used to come up on my fyp and I want to know if it’s the same guy lol)
it’s cool to see a different perspective on the bias/downplaying thing, and you’re so right about the refuge and standards stuff. i also find the it girls=white boys of the month fun😭
honestly thanks for provoking these thoughts and making the space for me to express them in the first place! even just your reply touches on some really good (and funny) points. also the tiktokker is sa’ad mustafa? altho i’m sure there’s a few others that are similar
Yes I thought you were talking about Sa’ad Mustafa! I got that exact same feeling you were describing watching his videos, it is really nice to see men, especially men of color, who don’t view their relationship to women as adversarial or hierarchical but like you said on the flip side it’s sad that isn’t the norm. He’s left such an impression because based on our experiences with men on and offline, he’s an outlier
And this newsletter’s intended purpose is for people to reflect on and express their experiences, thoughts, and feelings so I’m v glad you felt safe enough to do that here 🥹
i’m so glad someone has put to words what’s been bothering me so much. white people using the term “white boy of the month” feels like a slap in the face as they blatantly make clear that THAT is the kind of person that is attractive. in a sense they uphold and value the concept of whiteness in doing this
yeah I think there's a line between appreciation and appropriation that becomes finer and finer on the internet, it's not even because they mean harm, but as many a writer, sociologist, anthropologist, and any poc with eyes has said before, white people think everything is for them. That they're entitled to participate in any and every discourse and culture.
It's even harder when that discourse happens in public without established parameters (those parameters definitely would stop a lot of them, but still) because participation easily turns into hijacking. It's happened time and time again with slang like "woke" and it's sadly probably never going to stop. This is why Kendrick's line "but that's just me, I guess/Some shit just cringeworthy, it ain't even gotta be deep, I guess" in euphoria continues to hit me so hard lol
Loved this piece so much!!! I never really paid much attention to it like that, but your points were so … on point, that yes, white boy of the month seems to be something a woman of colour has come up with as a badge of approval to a white boy we all can safely support! It made me think of that Timmy video of him dancing hip hop on stage and this being used as a reference that he is the white boy to be celebrated without any worry since he seems to be appreciative of other’s culture!
exactly this! even people outside of his target demographic understand (e.g. the lady who runs the Club Chalamet Twitter account lolol)
I liked a first-generation Pakistani lawyer. He liked me too but not enough because he told me I reminded him of his mother. 😕 ouch. After the end of our 4 day visit, he showed his true self - he was frustrated, angry and a bit mean to me. what he found frustrating and irritating in me, he found charming and quirky in his white women partners.
Of course, he only ever dated white women.
My story has something in common with your story - I just don’t know what.
Maybe the observation that white potential love interests are given the grace, flexibility to make mistakes and the freedom to be themselves (“quirky,” “individual” “different”) with no judgement. whereas I have to be perfect.
Comme d’habitude, un très grand merci pour votre écriture. ❤️💕
"Maybe the observation that white potential love interests are given the grace, flexibility to make mistakes and the freedom to be themselves (“quirky,” “individual” “different”) with no judgement. whereas I have to be perfect." Laura, yes, exactly this! Thank you so much for sharing, and to add, what would perfection even look like in that situation, most likely, it is virtually unattainable. You can be the most perfect apple in the bunch and that man will still be looking for an orange 🙄
I relate to your story definitely and really do think this is a universal experience for women of color. I think one of the broad themes here could be the projection of internalized racism (and some misogyny) onto us/our dating lives which is tiring, frustrating, and maybe the reason some of us turn to our white boys of the month. Just a bit of escapism and fantasizing on the internet!
Merci pour votre observation, c'est très appréciée 😊🧡 (sorry my French is very bad, I haven't practiced in two years! 😭)
Agreed - I am known to watch primarily the “Pride and Prejudice” or Nordic Noir” type videos and it’s only it’s a bit of escapism.
As for French, I thought you were a French-speaker. My fault.
this was so insightful! i remember when will poulter was having his resurgence a video was getting popular where he was talking abt the underrepresentation of african restaurants when it comes to michelin stars. the comments were full of woc praising and thirsting (fair enough). i agree w what you said abt the approval and validation stuff, it’s like when nick jonas got with priyanka chopra and all us brown girls felt like we won by osmosis- if nick jonas could like a brown girl then that means I also have a chance of being “picked” by my oppressor and a group that i’ve been trained to believe is “out of my league”. never mind that priyanka was literally a miss universe and incredibly attractive so why wouldnt he like her? and why is it framed like he’s the one who ‘allowed’ her to be in a relationship w him, when it’s a two way street and she picked him as well? idk somehow being a poc always feels like it’s deducted points for attractiveness, and society puts relationships w white people on such a pedestal.
i also think, now that we’re older, we feel almost guilty for having a crush on a white man and perpetuating these cycles- so we have to subtly cushion it to our friends/family by joking abt how “they’re just some white guy/gora”. bc there is that darker part when men of colour start shaming woc for dating white men, for “ruining the blood line”, for having internalised racism (which is smth to discuss but not the way they do it) ect ect but then all their following is just white girls who post thirst traps? like they want to have their cake and eat it too. particularly w south asian guys there’s this thing where they’ll have white girls as their girlfriends who they treat nice but when it comes to marriage they want an “obedient desi wife” (or sometimes euphemised to ‘wifey’ to disguise it a bit). which is kind of an off shoot of the whole madonna whore complex ig. but the “ruining the bloodline” thing gets me so mad, one it’s just a weird thing to say in general, but it’s also like they just see us as vessels to carry their “pure” children and not as acc humans- why are men in general so obsessed with their “legacy” anyway? (sorry that was a side point😭). tbf the film ‘clock’ did bring up resonant thoughts abt being childless when being part of a minority group that was formally subjected to genocide- directed and written by a Jewish woman. but that was a meaningful exploration with the different nuances, that is defo not the perspective of those men, they just use whatever argument they can to try and control you.
on the other hand, i feel like bc of the internal biases we have we tend to forget/downplay all bad experiences with white men, and give them a much lower standard than moc. like the ratio between good guys to bad guys must be pretty similar across races. maybe it’s bc the race ‘white’ feels more like a blank slate, whereas the culture (which can sometimes be reasoning for harmful stuff) for certain moc is more apparent, like indian or muslim guys. there is defo something to be said abt how misogyny manifests in different ways within different spaces and why, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t just as prevalent w white men, just for different reasons.
I do have a soft spot for moc, i used to watch this brown guys videos on tiktok and got the same feeling of hopeful validation when he spoke against homophobia and misogyny, esp misogyny against woc. it’s almost like there’s this knight in shining armour saviour who will support and protect you, which is welcome when most men have been doing the exact opposite for most of our lives. maybe it’s putting them on too much of a pedestal, after all they’re still human, but i think we obviously naturally want to feel better abt the state of the world and ppl in it, and it’s not really a bad thing to appreciate when ppl are making it better- as long as it’s balanced. we also have such low standards, so we’ll literally be cheering when a man is the bare minimum of not being racist and misogynistic, which is kind of sad.
anyway, perhaps we had another MBJ moment where a moc stole the show a bit and could defo be considered ‘“white” boy of the month’ with dev patel after the release of monkey man. every few scrolls i’d be getting edits😭 but maybe that says more abt me than the internet as a whole… also in terms of that last question, it’s not a boy but my mum is kind of gay and she used to have a crush on princess diana back in the day😭 and then my dad acc met her once when she visited his uni for one of her little tours or whatever which is crazy. but she was more of an it girl than a white boy of the month. my grandma only rlly used to watch indian and pakistani films, so no white boys for her😭- but on the radio they used to play frank sinatra a lot and they used to rlly like him. in my mum’s time they used to play a lot of westerns on the tv for some reason, so clint eastwood was big (and hot).
okay so I saw that Will Poulter interview after his guest spot in The Bear and I have to admit that I was one of those people!!! I wasn’t commenting online but I was defo thirsting irl 😂 and Nick Jonas was my ultimate childhood crush, when he married Priyanka even I was like wow okay so brown girls are not off the table…good to know!! What you’re saying about thinking he’s “out of my league” and being “picked” is sooooo relatable!!! I think it's just a case of becoming aware about the way we're socialized as WOC, both intercommunally and by the world in general
I actually just saw a tiktok today that said “reconnecting with nature after calling a white boy cute” and I cackled. Yes you’re right, generally/anecdotally I’ve found that men of color don’t know how to have conversations about interracial dating with the women in their respective communities (women in the hypergamy “movement” aren’t any better!).
There does seem to be a double standard; I’ve seen many a tan man’s following list on insta and a lot of the times it’s giving alabaster. Like you said, it’s is a more intersectional approach to the Madonna/whore complex, but in a negative way. There’s a whole other essay to be written about the way POC communities raise and socialize men to view women (I’m sure multiple people have already written it, I just have to dig around for it)
I find your point on biases and downplaying bad experiences with white men very interesting because I think I’ve done the opposite in my life 😂 Emotionally/romantically intimate relationships are multifaceted, but I think at the end of the day while a person should challenge you in healthy ways, they should also be a point of refuge. I don’t want to spend an inordinate amount of time explaining myself, making excuses for cultural misunderstandings, or rationalizing bad behavior. So I don’t! I’m open to dating anyone from any background, but I consciously set a standard that they all have to meet.
Ahhhhh your mom is such a G for that!!! I totally get where she’s coming from, and maybe it girls are white boys of the month for queer women, I absolutely love that concept! My aunt watches a lot of westerns too and suspected that she might have to go back through them to find a white boy she liked, I think white guys in westerns might be GenX and some Boomer women’s target demographic lololol Thank you so much for your research contributions, this may sound facetious but I seriously appreciate it 🧡
(p.s. I would love to know which tiktoker you’re referencing, someone very similar used to come up on my fyp and I want to know if it’s the same guy lol)
it’s cool to see a different perspective on the bias/downplaying thing, and you’re so right about the refuge and standards stuff. i also find the it girls=white boys of the month fun😭
honestly thanks for provoking these thoughts and making the space for me to express them in the first place! even just your reply touches on some really good (and funny) points. also the tiktokker is sa’ad mustafa? altho i’m sure there’s a few others that are similar
Yes I thought you were talking about Sa’ad Mustafa! I got that exact same feeling you were describing watching his videos, it is really nice to see men, especially men of color, who don’t view their relationship to women as adversarial or hierarchical but like you said on the flip side it’s sad that isn’t the norm. He’s left such an impression because based on our experiences with men on and offline, he’s an outlier
And this newsletter’s intended purpose is for people to reflect on and express their experiences, thoughts, and feelings so I’m v glad you felt safe enough to do that here 🥹
i’m so glad someone has put to words what’s been bothering me so much. white people using the term “white boy of the month” feels like a slap in the face as they blatantly make clear that THAT is the kind of person that is attractive. in a sense they uphold and value the concept of whiteness in doing this
yeah I think there's a line between appreciation and appropriation that becomes finer and finer on the internet, it's not even because they mean harm, but as many a writer, sociologist, anthropologist, and any poc with eyes has said before, white people think everything is for them. That they're entitled to participate in any and every discourse and culture.
It's even harder when that discourse happens in public without established parameters (those parameters definitely would stop a lot of them, but still) because participation easily turns into hijacking. It's happened time and time again with slang like "woke" and it's sadly probably never going to stop. This is why Kendrick's line "but that's just me, I guess/Some shit just cringeworthy, it ain't even gotta be deep, I guess" in euphoria continues to hit me so hard lol